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AAMFT Consumer Update
Gay and Lesbian Youth
 A new generation of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender youth are
coming of age in a society increasingly tolerant and yet still deeply
divided about homosexuality. On one hand, there is increased openness,
media attention, and an older generation of openly gay and lesbian role
models. On the other hand, there is an increased backlash in the form of
religious fundamentalism, violence, and legal intervention designed to
"protect" traditional marriages and families. Sexual minority or "queer"
(a label many young people use to describe themselves) youth are coming
out younger than ever before and many are coming out in middle school and
high school, while still living at home. Coming out, in some cases, then,
has become a family affair.
Some families have experience with sexual minority status, either because
there is someone in the family who is not heterosexual or they have family
friends who are sexual minorities. However, most youth who come out while
living at home are in families who have not had direct experience with
queer individuals. Family therapists, familiar with the trials and
tribulations of sexual identity, and experts on how to help families deal
with difficult issues, are perfectly situated to be helpful.
Heterosexism is the unacknowledged belief that heterosexual people are
normal, while other groups of people are not normal. Homophobia is the
fear of homosexual people, which usually expresses itself in negative
views of them. It is practically impossible to be raised in a
heterosexist, homophobic culture like ours and not be influenced by some
of the negative messages that swirl around on a daily basis about sexual
minority people.
When an adolescent is different, it may create a family crisis. If the
crisis leads to such distance from parents that they are no longer
available to help the child develop, the family is not providing the
necessary ingredients for development, and problems erupt. While
difference is difficult, it is particularly difficult for sexual minority
kids who sometimes feel as if they are growing up in enemy territory.
Sexual minority youth often grow up loved but unknown. In many minority
populations the older generation serve as models for the younger
generation about how to live in an environment that oppresses them.
However, most sexual minority youth grow up in families with heterosexual
parents who may not understand the oppression, and who even may be a part
of this oppression. Family therapy can help create a context in which open
dialogue can occur so that the family is able to get back on track and
nurture its youth.
Sexual minority youth, like all youth, follow their own paths toward self
discovery, but they face special challenges. Youth who know they are gay,
lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, have a sense of their difference for a
while before they tell anyone. There is about a two-year period for most
youth when they self-identify as non-heterosexual but keep this
information to themselves. Remember, youth assume, like everyone else,
that they are heterosexual. To have the knowledge that they are different,
they must hold conflicting ideas in their head at the same time. "I am
normal and I have feelings that are abnormal and wrong, so the feelings
must be wrong or I don't really have these feelings." When youth do come
out to others, it is usually to a trusted friend, and rarely to a parent
first. The process of coming out and wiping away the last vestiges of
internalized homophobia takes years, and sometimes, a lifetime.
Youth who are openly struggling with the probability that they are not
heterosexual can frighten parents. Most heterosexual parents assume their
children will be heterosexual. When dreaming about the lives their
children will lead, a same-sex partner is not part of the picture.
Entertaining the idea creates fear and anxiety. Parents are afraid for a
range of reasons. Most worry about the rejection their children will face
and fear for their children's safety. They have heard hateful comments all
their lives about homosexuals and know their child will be punished. Life
is more difficult if you are not part of the mainstream, and some parents
believe that homosexual behavior is sinful. Some recognize that their
child's exploration poses difficult questions, which challenge all they
think they know about gender, sexuality, and identity. They question their
own parenting and wonder where they went wrong. The belief that they have
control over their children's sexual identity may mislead parents to
discourage atypical gender behavior so their child will turn out straight.
Some may believe that once they relinquish control over something so basic
as gender and sexual orientation, any control over the child becomes an
illusion.
Families should seek help any time their adolescent withdraws from them
more than is comfortable. Many sexual minority youth hide because it is
difficult to reconcile the person they feel developing inside them with
the person they are expected to be by everyone else. When youth come out
to their families, they risk a great deal. Adolescents are dependent on
their families for physical and emotional support. If they misjudge their
parents, they have a great deal to lose. They may feel they can be
themselves and risk rejection, or live a lie. Sexual minority youth,
unlike members of other minority groups, cannot, and do not, expect their
families to accept or tolerate their identity, much less help them nurture
it and protect themselves.
Families should also seek help when their adolescent is acting out in
dangerous ways. Most sexual minority youth have been ridiculed or
experience verbal and physical threats of violence by their peers because
they do not fit in. Those most likely to be abused are those who do not
fit gender role stereotypes or those who live in communities that are
openly homophobic. Many youth are verbally and physically attacked by
family members who unwittingly denigrate their children for not living up
to heterosexist expectations. Some of these youth act out during
adolescence because they do not have the resources to manage their pain.
Family therapists who are knowledgeable about sexual minority youth will
work towards creating a safe refuge for youth and their families. They
will help family members evaluate the negative messages they receive from
the culture about minority sexuality, teach families the facts, and work
towards family members deciding themselves that which they believe. Family
therapists will help family members talk with one another about their
different beliefs in a way that encourages difficult, yet important
dialogue. Family therapists will help families get back on track towards
nurturing their adolescent's growth and development, and they will help
members see that the uniqueness of each child is a gift and a blessing.
Text written by Linda Stone Fish, PhD and Rebecca G. Harvey, MA.
Item #1092
Keywords: coming out, gay, lesbian,
transgender, transsexual, sexual orientation, adolescent sexuality.
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Marriage and family therapists are mental health professionals who treat a
wide array of disorders, working with individuals, couples, and families.
Marriage and family therapy clients report that they are highly satisfied
with the services they have received, and research shows that marriage and
family therapy is a cost-effective, short-term, and results-oriented form
of treatment.
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), the
professional organization representing marriage and family therapists,
believes that therapists with specific and rigorous training in marriage
and family therapy provide the most effective mental health care to
individuals, couples, and families. This brochure is courtesy of:
the AAMFT.
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