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AAMFT Consumer Update
Children of Alcoholics
 There are 18 million
alcoholics in the U.S. according to the National Council on Alcoholism and
Drug Dependence. As a result, an estimated 26.8 million children are
exposed, at varying degrees, to alcoholism in the family. These children
are at higher risk for alcoholism and other drug abuse than are children
of non-alcoholics, and are more likely to marry an alcoholic as well.
Children of alcoholics or addicts are commonly referred to as “COA.”
How Are Children Impacted?
Many children have great strength, resilience and coping skills, which can
help them adapt in order to function as normally as possible. Others do
not adapt so readily and face a multitude of problems. Children with
alcoholic parents are more likely to experience symptoms of anxiety and/or
depression, antisocial behavior, relationship difficulties, behavioral
problems, and/or alcohol abuse. One recent study finds that children of
drug-abusing fathers have the worst mental health issues.
Children of alcoholics may experience any of the following: chaos,
uncertainty, instability, inconsistent discipline, emotional and physical
neglect, arguments, instability of parents’ marriage, disorganization,
violence and/or physical and sexual abuse, emptiness, loneliness, the
terror of repeated abandonment, or the witnessing of violence or abuse to
others. The family environment may be characterized by tension, fear, and
shame--feelings that become connected with the child’s sense of self. It
is often difficult to determine whether the problems a child is having are
directly linked to parental alcoholism, separate, or a combination.
Since young children believe their thoughts and feelings are all-powerful,
they imagine that they cause bad things and may assume their parents drink
because of them. A parent may even encourage this belief with remarks
like, “Who wouldn’t drink with a family like this!” So, leaving the
bicycle in the driveway, getting bad grades, or thinking bad thoughts can
lead, in the child’s mind, to a parent drinking. One of the most important
messages children can hear is that the alcoholism is not their fault. It
is not possible to create alcoholism in another person.
Impact on the Family
Alcoholism affects the
drinking individual physically--in the way they behave, think and feel. It
can affect family members in these ways, too. Alcohol may be the central
guiding principle of family life, causing trauma and shaping each
individual’s development, yet family members will work hard to cover this
reality. Addiction has the power to destroy a family. No family wants to
be destroyed, so they often try to deny the problem, fearing the family
will fall apart if the problem is faced. But facing the problem at least
brings hope of recovery. If the family doesn’t
face it, it will only get worse. Without treatment, it keeps
spreading through the family causing pain and
confusion. Helping professionals, friends and family can get caught up in
the web of explanations that are given to continue the denial.
Road to Recovery
The family in which one or both parents stops drinking can experience
growth that eventually leads to healthy individuals and a healthy family.
The recovery process is difficult and often out of control during the
early months and years of the process of healing, and can be as disruptive
and chaotic as the addiction itself. For example, the anxiety experienced
by a child whose mother is newly sober is normal. One can expect that
treatment will involve education about what is expected and normal in the
first weeks and months of recovery, along with guidance in providing
safety and stability for the child.
What Should We Expect from a Professional Helper?
Therapists may ask the family direct questions to better understand the
role of drinking in the family. They will look for clues that drinking is
an important part of family life. For example, do your family arguments
always occur following cocktail time? Who drinks? When? How much? What
happens when someone is drinking? What happens before and after?
These questions help determine the degree of denial and the kinds of other
defenses and explanations that help maintain the addiction. Perhaps the
family will acknowledge that Dad drinks, but will insist that his drinking
is not the problem. If it weren’t for the demands on him at work, he
wouldn’t need to drink so much. Kids may also hear that parental drinking
is their fault. If they didn’t fight so much, if they got better grades or
didn’t whine, Mom wouldn’t need to drink.
The questions of who needs treatment, when, and for what reasons may need
to be answered by a variety of helping professionals. When it is not clear
if a child needs help, the therapist might consider providing educational
opportunities and small groups as an introduction to treatment and further
evaluation.
What Would My
Children Get From Alateen?
A small educational or
therapy group is a powerful help for children because of the peer support
it offers. Sharing in the safe environment of a group can help erase
denial, so the child can see there is an option for a healthy and good
life even if a parent has this disease. In addition to physical safety, a
safe environment means clear rules, consistency and predictability, and a
place where children can learn about alcoholism and its effects on the
whole family.
Messages of Support for Children and Families
•
You are not alone. There are many other children with alcoholic parents
who experience what you experience and feel like you do.
•
You are not responsible for your parent’s alcoholism, behavior or
recovery.
•
You can get help for yourself so things will be better.
Whether it is you, a neighbor, teacher, or relative, be open to
encouraging your child to talk to a trusting adult.
What Can I Do to Help
My Kids?
Maintain family rituals, daily routines, and a
regulated environment. Keep the lines of communication open and talk to
your children. Children feel unsettled when they see problems that are
denied or never discussed honestly. They learn not to trust their own
perceptions. Children need the truth, but the truth should be given to
them with thoughtful consideration and suited to their developmental
level. Often, hurt is underneath anger and comes out as anger. If we can
help kids put words to their pain and fear, it will help them relieve it.
Children of alcoholics have little or no
choice but to adapt to the environment and the family in which they are
raised. In the future, affected children who go untreated may bring their
troubles to adult relationships and families.
Resources
Online
National Association for Children of Alcoholics,
www.nacoa.org
Click
here to purchase this or other informative materials from AAMFT.
Marriage and family therapists are mental health professionals who treat a
wide array of disorders, working with individuals, couples, and families.
Marriage and family therapy clients report that they are highly satisfied
with the services they have received, and research shows that marriage and
family therapy is a cost-effective, short-term, and results-oriented form
of treatment.
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), the
professional organization representing marriage and family therapists,
believes that therapists with specific and rigorous training in marriage
and family therapy provide the most effective mental health care to
individuals, couples, and families. This brochure is courtesy of:
the AAMFT.
Visit the AAMFT
TherapistLocator.net, a public service of the
AAMFT. There you will find information about a range of problems facing
today's families, and you can search for a qualified family therapist in
your area.
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